It’s Friday and I’m out to dinner all by myself. Not really by choice but sort of. I did ask four separate girlfriends if they were free, but not a single one of them was. Ugh. Getting out tonight was actually my husband’s idea. I’m pretty sure he can sense that I’m thisclose to needing to be carted off to the looney bin. Motherhood you guys. Also newborns.
Elaine is now four weeks old and Alice is much improved but not quite 100% and I feel like I haven’t had a break in at least four weeks, because I haven’t had a break in at least four weeks. Matt has requested to go to the football game on Saturday night and while I desperately want to say no absolutely not, I don’t. He’s also back to work and getting to go out to lunch with his coworkers to all of our favorite restaurants. It’s no bother because I’m at home keeping it real and eating leftovers out of Styrofoam boxes while standing over the kitchen sink and rocking the baby in her rock n’ play with my foot.
Perhaps I’ve doled out my fair share of dirty side eye glances and sported a snarly pout far more than I’m willing to admit. Because lets just be dramatic as the situation calls for. Woe is me and life is completely unfair. (Seriously, though.)
As far as husbands and dad’s go, I really do have a good one. I don’t want you to think I’m bad mouthing Matt because I’m not. I cannot/ do not want to imagine going through any of this without him. I’m just jealous. Jealous of his breaks away (work) and his ability to go out to eat at real live restaurants. Plus he has this elusive upcoming Saturday night out, which is one of the reasons why he suggested I go out tonight. (The other reasons involving me being potentially committed as mentioned above.) I almost said forget it and stayed home because, I mean, four girlfriends. Not one can go? What a loser I am!
I’m kidding. Women of my age and women who are also mothers (most of my friends) just cannot be as spontaneous anymore. We need days upon days to make these sorts of plans. Gone are those fun, fun spontaneous college days. Why I’m even referencing college days is beyond me; I graduated ten years ago. (Although I can remember so much of that time in my life like it was yesterday.)
I hate to complain because I know, I know I’m blessed. I KNOW THIS. I feel it too, but I’m just trying to be transparent and admit that I’m having a hard time. The sleeping two to three hours at a time during the night, the constant nursing, the baby who only wants to be soothed by me, the 16 month old who hasn’t been feeling well, the feelings of being trapped from the limitations that come with having a newborn, with having a family, and then the guilt of feeling like I’m not being patient or grateful enough…
Yuck. Feels ugly.
I do love, love, love my family. Honest I do. I know that I usually keep things pretty upbeat around here and I’m sure those sorts of posts will return shortly. This is just the phase I’m in at the moment. This too shall pass.
By the way, dinner wasn’t that good. I couldn’t even finish it. Bummer, right? I’ll spare you the complete Debbie Downer show and not end on such a Negative Nancy note because I treated myself to dessert and a coffee (decaf, mama needs to be able to get some sleep) and it was the bomb dot com.
Also eating out on my own was kinda nice. I can totally see myself doing it again.